When the light at the end of the tunnel dims...

I’m sitting here now, on a Tuesday lunch, i had to leave Carli’s early and Colby is refusing his nap. But my mind’s consumed, fighting my inner demon that is my eating disorder, anxiety and body dysmorphic monster.

80% of the time I feel strong enough to fight the fight. I always knew the further into recovery it would get harder, because I would outgrow clothes, and my bloats will be uncomfortable etc. Also the fact I’ve made my recovery so public I feel like I can never just introvert myself and give up, least not forgetting I have an over active 1 year old who very much needs his mum on top form everyday and a long term partner (now husband) who has committed to me for the rest of our lives.

I am by no means suicidal and would confidently say I’ve never had suicidal thoughts but I do find myself on a weekly basis questioning my existence on this world when I’m so broken. I know there are people in far worse situations than I am and would do anything to live a long and happy life.

So what happened today?! Colby has been over emotional, lord knows what’s going on with him, trapped wind, sore gums, hungry, tired, the list goes on.

I put on a pair of tights that are probably a little too small on the waistline now, they drop down, rub on my bones on my lower back, which ironically makes me feel the F word. Then the crotch is also sitting a little lower than it should, thus rubbing on my thighs, once again making me feel ... fat!

Subconsciously I’m still thinking it’s probably down to the Greek takeaway I over indulged on the weekend, even though I know it’s not!

So I’m irritated, he’s irritated and we’re both winding each other up.

How do you get your head around these feelings? I’m not fat, I’m uncomfortable, I’m tired, I’m irritated, I’m wearing clothes too small and I have a bloat, a bloat that anyone gets whether you’re male, female, size 4 or size 14.

This post for me is a little cry for help, a little honesty post, someone? Anyone? How did you recover? What are your top tips? How do you manage darker days?

I’ve come across so many inspirational people who have fully recovered, and I’m scared and ashamed to reach out, because I think if that were me maybe I’d find someone who is in the midst of it all a trigger?

But one day, I’d like to write a blog post which shares my top tips on recovery, a safe place someone can come to and read to relax and reassure them...

For now, I’ll continue to do what I do. Focus on my son, and remember I fight to get ultimate recovery so I can make memories with Colby, Ben, Carli, my mum and the rest of my tribe for years to come.