Recovery 9 Months

This Saturday I turn 27, and it marks my official 9 months from the day I voluntarily went to hospital and begged for help.

A lot of you have asked me to share my recovery with you, so here we go...! Before I start I want to highlight I am no expert in this field, I have no idea how my recovery compares to others, I'm just doing me and sharing my journey in hope it can help others in whatever way they need it.

Lets start with the physical side:

Weight now: 38kg / 6 stone / 84lbs

Gains since Day 1: +10kg / +1.5 stone /+21lbs

I can now:

- Walk up the stairs

- Pick up, bath and put Colby into the car.

- Concentrate and have interest in people and life

- Sleep deep (intermittent still)

- Control a panic attack

- Lay in the bath, sit on the sofa, and relax in bed without being unbearable pain

- Slowly starting to be able to regulate my body temperature

After 4 months of intense strength training at the gym I now have muscles back, I now focus on balance with my workouts, I do 10-20 minutes of yoga a day, 10-20 minutes of strength training every other day and cardio (normally a run) once a week, I count running after a toddler all day as daily cardio!

Exercise for me has never been about weight loss or control of body shape. I've been a long distance runner since I was 14 and have always used high intensity workouts as my form of stress relief. I always used to say "some girls go get their nails done for time out, I do a workout".

Mental side:

As I've gained, the mental side has got harder but easier if that makes sense. The first 2 months I fought unbelievably hard to get the weight up because I was very aware how close my body was to shutting down and also how I'd been given a life line to not be sectioned/hospitalised if I could prove I could do it.

As soon as I hit 5.5 stone I started to feel human again, I had energy, attention and humour back! Although I still got tired quickly I felt good, however this is where I then had to start challenging myself again as I believed as I was feeling good it meant I was fully recovered and that extra weight didn't really matter.

At my 6 stone target we agreed to have a break with the "physical" side and start working on the cognitive side. I'm extremely body dysmorphic and this is my biggest set back. For example, I can stand in front of the mirror some days and be convinced the girl looking back is the pre-anorexia steph, 7.5stone with curves in the right places and a little squidgy on the hips (but who isn't?!), then I turn around, see the pancake of a bum which as my best friend always used to remind me was always out of proportion to my body, on the bigger end of the scale! I then realise, wait, I'm not there yet, but why do I see something so different? When I get a bloat I want to say I feel fat, but I know if I said those words out loud, the shocked faces and the eye rolls would proceed.

Part of the cognitive training I'm having is learning to understand these feelings are normal, they don't mean I'm fat, have got fat or am getting fat. It doesn't mean the extra rice cake (yup, it's that pathetic) I had at lunch or the tablespoon of rice at dinner have meant I've put on a stone in an hour.

The photos below are 9 months apart. I can't comment on how I feel about them. Some days I look and feel proud, other days I feel confused. All I know is I'm glad I'm not in the physical state I was in in the first photo. I also know that like most photographs, it doesn't represent the real state I was in, it doesn't show the bones poking out my back, the bruises I had from the springs in the bed and the mess my mental health was in.

To conclude, 9 months in and it's been a rollercoaster. I am 100% set on recovery, but to me recovery isn't going back to my old self, instead it's learning about the new me. Healthy, happy and making sure my little tribe are getting everything they need from me.

Where do I go from here? Well, I'm desperate to crack the body dysmorphia, I believe as soon as I'm able to cope and overcome those troubles then I'm on the home run...

I probably still have another year ahead with this battle but I'm making progress, and I'm happy with that.